This is a transcript for S01E01 of 2 Broke Girls.
Director: James Burrows
Creator: Michael Patrick King, Whitney Cummings
Writer: Michael Patrick King, Whitney Cummingso
Original air date USA: 19th September 2012
Original air date UK: 19th April 2012
Current IMDb rating: 7.2/10 (10/06/14)
Kat Dennings - Max Black
Beth Behrs - Caroline Channing
Garrett Morris - Earl
Jonathon Kite - Oleg
Matthew Moy - Han Lee
Brooke Lyons - Peach
Noah Mills - Robbie
- Opening Scene: At the diner, Max is serving customers.
Oleg: [Dings bell] Pick up! Tables 12, 4, 11.
Max: Got it. Hey, when you get a second, stop looking at my boobs.
Hipster 1: Excuse me, waitress. [Clicks] Dude.
Max: Hi, what can I get you?
Hipster 1: We need some... [Max clicks in his face].
Max: Is that annoying? [Clicks] Is that obnoxious and rude? [Clicks] Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working? Oh wait, you don't have a job, I'm sorry.
Hipster 2: Damn dude, she burned you.
Max: Oh. No, hipster, do not think we are on the same team. We have nothing in common. I wear knit hats when it's cold out, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay. You have tattoos to piss off your dad, my dad doesn't know he's my dad. And finally, you think this [clicks] is the sound that gets you service, I think this [clicks] is the sound that drys up my vagina.
Hipster 1: The other waitress disappeared, the Russian one. We need horseradish.
Hipster 2: Please.
Max: And that ladies, is how you treat a waitress. [Walks into fridge] Paulina!
Paulina: Oh so good so good ah.
Max: Oh, sorry I didn't realise you were on break. I just need some horseradish.
Max: [Goes back into diner]
Man: Excuse me, where's my waitress?
Max: She's coming.
Max: Earl, Earl! I made your favourite, red velvet.
Earl: My little cupcake, brought me a cupcake. Lemme pay you for that.
Max: Oh no, no. It's on the house, it's your birthday. How old you gonna be?
Max: Oh, Earl, if only you were three years younger.
Earl: Oh, Max, Max. Big news, the new boss fired that Russian waitress, Paulina. Turns out Chessie Carnecova was Vladamir putting it out.
Han: Hello, today! I have pay check for you.
Max: I need to talk to you. You fired Paulina, Han.
Han: I am no longer Han Lee, I am new American name to go with changing neighbourhood.
Max: To go with the changing neighbourhood, you need to remember this for your immigration exam.
Han: Correct, to go with the changing neighbourhood. [Points to badge]
Max: Bryce? Your name is Bryce Lee? Wait, wait, um, um, um... don't hire a new waitress, okay? I've been doing all the work anyway and I could really use the extra money.
Han: You need help.
Max: No I don't.
Han: Everyone need help sometimes.
Max: I don't. I've been waiting my whole life, okay? I've waited on tables, I've waited on bars, I've waited on home pregnancy tests.
Han: I already hire new waitress. She work in all top restaurants in Manhattan. I gave her Paulina's uniform.
Caroline: Hi, Mr. Lee. Not to complain but I think someone wore this uniform before me, like right before me. Is it possible that I could get another one, you know maybe one that is a little less moist. Also, this mustard colour doesn't really go with my skin tone, neither do the mustard stains. And these various other stains. And smells, I hope that's clam chowder. So, I think it'd be better for everyone, including my immune system, if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing. And add the apron, cause this is Chanel. So thank you and let's waitress!
Max: Whatever that is, it does not belong in this diner, it belongs in a show on Bravo.
Han: But she blonde, hair so shiny, good for business.
Max: Where do you even find these people? A Russian hooker, the one before that was a meth addict.
Han: You train her. I am boss, the boss.
Max: Ohh. Fine, but make her wear the uniform. Are you sure we can't get the meth addict back? She was really good at cleaning.
Han: But her teeth fall out.
Max: You are really judgemental, you know that?
[In diner kitchen]
Max: I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention.
Caroline: I'm Caroline, by the way, and you're Max?
Max: Don't get attatched. So, this is the Williamsburg Diner owned by Han Lee, who just changed his name to Bryce Lee because I guess he wants people to take him even less seriously. Eight months ago he bought it from a Russian mob. Clientel used to be all Eastern block criminals and crack whores, but then he took it over and ruined it.
Oleg: Hey sexy woman. You look so pretty today, you look so beautiful I forget how bad your personality is.
Max: Thanks Oleg.
Oleg: Hey, Barbie.
Max: That's Oleg. He will hit on you agressively and relentlessly. He doesn't know he looks like that and I don't have the heart to tell him.
Customer: Miss, can we get some menus.
Caroline: Oh, sure.
Max: Don't smile because it raises the bar and then I have to smile and I can't be doing that. It's exhausting and I have a bad back. That's Earl, we're in love. Do not talk to him unless you wanna feel whiter than you already are. Oh, and that stain, not clam chowder. Go marry the ketchups.
Caroline: Marry the ketchups, I'm on it.
Max: Okay, now divorce the ketchups.
Max: Stop, stop, stop. There's no such thing as divorcing the ketchups, you've never waitressed a day in your life.
Caroline: Yes I have.
Max: You expect me to believe you after watching that whole Temple granden routine? I'm telling Lee.
Caroline: Okay, okay I may have enhanced my resume.
Max: Enhanced? What are we in Paris?
Caroline: Please, I really need this job okay, we lost all of our money, my trust fund was taken for legal fees, my dad is in jail.
Max: What, what are you? Martin Channing's daughter? Huh. Where's the paper? Martin Channing!? The guy who ripped off the entire city, is your father!
Caroline: He told us we were having a good year.
Max: You're Caroline Channing! You're like a billionaire.
Caroline: Was. Was a billionaire. They froze all our assets, everything is gone. I only have what I could grab and I grabbed all the wrong things.
Max: So, do you know the President?
Caroline: I've met him.
Max: He's hot.
Caroline: He's the President.
Max: Have you been to Switzerland?
Max: Do you have a horse?
Max: Do you know Paris Hilton?
Caroline: No, she's a hundred.
Customer 2: Excuse me, two hot chocolate, please.
Max: Coming up.
Caroline: Lemme do that, please. I'm a really fast learner, I went to Warton Business School. I got twenty-three hundred on my SATs.
Max: Can you make a hot chocolate, or not? Nailed it.
[After hours at diner]
Max: We split the tips, gimme yours. You did better than I thought you would.
Caroline: Listen, tonight I thought of a way we could make some extra money. They've totally underestimated the price going on those red velvet cupcakes. In Manhattan, the price is at least seven. So, we could sell them for seven and then pocket the difference.
Max: Nothing about that seems wrong to you?
Caroline: It's not our fault that the idiot who makes the cupcakes doesn't know their worth.
Max: I'm the idiot who makes the cupcakes.
Caroline: New information.
Max: Look that's stupid, noone would pay seven dollars just for one of my cupcakes.
Caroline: Really, cause....
Max: Well, at least we know you weren't adopted.
Max: So, how did you even end up in Brooklyn?
Caroline: Oh, I went on monster.com, typed in where nobody from the Upper East Side would ever go, ever and this diner came up.
Max: You can't wear a fancy leather jacket outside in this neighbourhood, you have to turn it inside out.
Max: Fur. Cool, turn it back. So, where do you live?
Caroline: Our townhouse is taken and bolted up by the bank so....
Max: Is this where I'm supposed to feel sorry for you??
Caroline: I mean, I don't want you to, but just so you know, a well adjusted person would.
Max: I'm dead inside.
Caroline: You make that pretty obvious. Anyway, I'm just gonna stay in the city with a friend.
Max: I live a couple of blocks that way. I'd walk you to the subway, it's just that I don't want to.
Caroline: Got it.
[At Max's flat]
Max: Robbie! Why is the music so loud?!
Max: It's three in the morning.
Robbie: I'm sorry. [Kisses her]
Max: It's cool, so what are doing? The band's practicing.
Max: But you're not playing any instruments?
Robbie: Yeah, that's how we practice, we like listen to other good music and play it in our head.
Girl Band Member: It's like the secret.
Max: Well, I have a secret for you guys. Get out!
Robbie: Alright, you guys should better go.
Max: Sorry, guys I still have to bake the cupcakes.
Band Member: Uh why? You can just buy them at the store.
Robbie: You can do that in the morning, babe. Come to bed.
Max: I have to be in the city by ten. Fine, you can have three minutes. Fine, you can have eight, one for each ab. Boom!
Overvoice: Stand by for closing doors. l