|And the Childhood Not Included|
|Season 4, Episode 3|
|Air date||November 10, 2014|
And the DJ Face
And the Old Bike Yarn
When Caroline loses Han's expensive fish while cleaning the tank, Max contemplates selling a gift from her mother to pay for a replacement.
At the diner, Max asks Earl the secret to living a long life like he has. He replies, a positive attitude, genetics, and knowing how to take care of your body. He uses jojoba, she asks if it's a lotion, he replies that it's actually a prostitute named Hoba, who comes over once a week. Caroline arrives announcing that Max got a package delivered at home, Max doesn't want it - it's a delivery from her mother. Caroline asks if she's not curious about what it is, and Max tells her that unless it's a new childhood she doesn't want it. Caroline asks Earl to look after the package. Han's brought in his fish tank, which Max has been calling his Olympic sized swimming pool, he asks the girls to say hello to the fish. Max comments that her aunt drinks like a fish, maybe she's in the tank too, she then remembers her aunt is in jail for vehicular manslaughter. Max taps on the glass and Han yells at her; it's like an earthquake to the fish. A blue fish is swimming along the top of the water, and he comments that it's a Royal Blue Tang fish and that it cost him five hundred dollars. Caroline is surprised at the price, and Max comments that paying five hundred dollars for bluetang seems high, and Earl says 'ho Hoba' will do it for twenty five.
They head through into the kitchen where Oleg is speaking in Ukrainian into his cellphone. He explains to them that he's trying to break it off with all the women he's sleeping with so he can be with Sophie, Caroline suggests telling the woman on the phone that he's going to be in a monogamous relationship with Sophie. He says that the word doesn't exist in Ukrainian, you're either ugly or sleeping with everyone.
The girls arrive home from work, and Max stops Caroline from taking the box in the apartment - she puts it outside. Caroline suggests there could be money in it, and Max laughs. Max doesn't want it in the apartment, it's a place of positive energy and good vibes, Caroline laughs. Max insists that she'll send it back tomorrow, and that she'd rather go to her grave not knowing what's in the box. There's a knock at the door, and Max answers to find Sophie standing there holding the box which she has opened. Sophie announces that there's a bear inside it, and Max is surprised. Caroline is disappointed that it's only a Teddy Ruxpin doll. Max says that she had the teddy's name legally changed to T-Rux by the same lawyer that her mom hired to declare her as native american so she didn't have to pay parking at the casino. Max had to answer the phone as Max Proudfoot for six months. Sophie comments that in Poland they didn't have dolls, they hired gypsy children and just carried those around. Caroline asks if the doll speaks, Max says yes but they need four C batteries, she explains that it came with a teddy bear singing cassette so she smashed it and made her own. Sophie says that the little gypsy boy she used to use as her doll didn't speak, she thinks he didn't have a tongue, and that he used to squeeze her really tightly - she found out later that he was actually 35. Max asks why Caroline had four C batteries in her night stand. Sophie gets a phone call, it's a guy she's breaking it off with, she just broke up with a guy with multiple personalities and hopes Oleg is worth it. Caroline is disappointed that the box doesn't contain a note from Max's mother. She wonders why her mother would send it, Max asks why her mother would do anything, why would she bite their dog, why would she make out with their Jack-o-Lantern, she doesn't know. Caroline suggests she's trying to make amends, Max says that her mom can't even make a sandwich. She presses the button to make the bear speak, and a little girls voice says 'I know you are but what am I?' Max laughs and Caroline stands up in surprise, asking if that's Max when she was a kid, Max makes the bear talk again, 'careful, I'm about to open up a can of whoop-ass.' Caroline realizes it is Max, and asks how old she was. She was ten. Caroline couldn't picture Max as a kid until she heard that.
At the diner Caroline is taking orders. A woman orders a club sandwich, her son tells her that's why she's single. She says that she's married to his father, he tells her to stop pushing her lifestyle in his face. He orders a salad with dressing on the side. Caroline walks back to the counter and Max tells her she's sending T-Rux back, Caroline asks for the batteries back. The boy, Elliot, spots the bear and wants it. The mom tells him his birthday has passed, but he says his coming out party is coming up. A vintage Teddy Ruxpin is worth five hundred dollars. His mother explains he's obsessed with the nineties, Max comments that he wasn't even born, he blames his mother for not finding a man early enough. Max tells him that she's not selling the bear, she's sending it back, Elliot gives her his card. Max goes over to speak to Caroline, who's over by Earl, and tells her about the offer Elliot made, Caroline is jealous of the kid having cards. Max wants the money but she doesn't want her mom to think sending her the bear fixes her childhood. Han calls them over to the counter, Caroline complains that she can't believe they have to go talk to the fish again, Earl says he can't believe Max hasn't put Han in the tank yet. Han asks them to take the floating matter out of the tank with the net, Max says she's off diner poop patrol. Oleg rings the bell and tells Max pick-up, he's breaking up with a woman on the phone and asks her to put her mother on because he's breaking up with her too. As Caroline complains about cleaning the tank, she scoops up the expensive fish and throws it into the trash. She rummages around in the garbage until she finds it, and gets it out. Max comments that it's all covered in tuna, and that must be traumatic for it. Caroline tries to clean it off with the soda hose, and it slips down the drain. It was an accident, Caroline would never hurt a fish. Unless you count eating sushi, because then she's like Jack the Ripper. Han comes back and asks how it's going, Caroline lies that the blue one's in his little house.
They walk into Elliot's bedroom to wait for him, he's at Pilates. Caroline apologizes that Max has to sell T-Rux for the money to replace the fish. Max presses the button on the bear, and young Max tells Caroline 'talk to the fist coz the face is pissed.' Caroline can't believe all the stuff he has from the nineties, Max says she can't believe he has to have a coming out party - that he was born 'out'. Caroline spots a gigantic barbie doll, and says that she had ten - they'd use them as decoys in case of hostage situations. Elliot arrives and starts looking for his checkbook. Max says he has everything, that he has a nice mom and loads of stuff, he gets everything he wants. He says that his mom is just a mom, everyone has one, Max says not really, some people only have badass bears. Caroline asks if she's sure about selling the bear, that it's the only thing she has from her childhood. Max says that isn't true, she has a dent in her skull from a hammer - she tried to change the channel and was hit with it. Max tries to give Elliot the bear and Caroline says no, that he has enough toys. He puts the price up to six hundred, Max says yes, Caroline says no. He puts it up to seven, and Caroline insists that she doesn't sell it. Max says her childhood isn't worth seven hundred dollars, Caroline says that little Max is in the bear, and that she's priceless. That she's about to be erased and taped over by the soundtrack from Frozen, Elliot is offended asking 'who am I? Me from a year ago?' Max asks what they're going to do with Han. Elliot asks if that means he's not getting the bear, Max tells him that he'll have a bear in his life some day and the two of them leave.
At the diner, Max and Caroline are planning to tell Han the truth. Han comes in telling them he's bought a new house for the fish. Caroline takes him over to the far booth, and says that the fish aren't going anywhere and that it can wait - except the blue one, who's playing hide and seek. Caroline calls Max over and Max says she's busy waiting on tables, Han gets worried because Max doesn't do any work. Caroline calls her over again, and Max says she's just delivering a grilled cheese sandwich because she doesn't want it to get cold. Han's freaking out. Caroline runs over and pulls her over, telling her that she knows where the bodies are buried - Max tells her she moves them every six months. Caroline explains to Han, sometimes in life things happen that you don't want to happen, and even though it's hard you have to face up to it. That she doesn't want to tell him, its the last thing he wants to hear. He snaps, 'oh just say it!' He thinks the tampon machine has broken again, he tells her he'll get his blindfold later and fix it. He gets up and walks off, Caroline and Max walk back to the counter - Caroline tells her that she can't tell him, and Max can't do it either. Earl says he'll tell him, that because he's black everyone already assumes he did it. Caroline thanks him, and Earl tells her it's just a fish and that Han'll be fine. Han comes out of the kitchen and tells them he's decided to give Blue the new house at it's birthday party later. Earl tells Caroline he's out since its the fish's birthday. Han says that everyone is invited, and that the fish is two - they don't usually live that long. Max says that they can't tell him, even at Han's age - which she guesses is somewhere between fourteen and fifty-three - some kids aren't ready to grow up. They're gonna buy a new one. Caroline asks where they'll get the money, Max calls Oleg who appears in the window, Max asks if he remembers when he offered her a thousand dollars for a back rub two years ago. He replies that he does. Max tells him Caroline will do it for five hundred. He says deal. Caroline tells him that there a few conditions to the deal, that it's over the clothes, above the waist, and she's not sure why but he has to wear a condom.
Sophie's sitting in the diner talking on the phone, she asks to speak to Father Dominic Rossello. He's busy, he's currently celebrating mass. She asks the person on the phone to tell him that Sophie Kaczynski is converting to monogamy, and that she won't be kneeling at his alter anymore, he'll understand. Max and Caroline arrive with the new fish, Max asks Earl where Han is and if he knows. Earl tells them that he can't keep pretending he sees it when it's not there, he's seeing stuff that's not there, stuff that is there, it's confusing. They run over to the tank and are about to put the fish in when Han comes out of the kitchen with a cupcake and a birthday hat on singing happy birthday to Blue. Caroline puts the new fish, which is in a bag of water, into her bra. He asks where Blue is and Earl yells over that he just saw it. Caroline tells him to go and get his iPad so he can take a photo, Earl yells over that he just saw it a second time. Max agrees that if he takes a photo he could post it on facebook or fishbook or whatever. Han says it's a good idea and leaves the cupcake with Caroline while he gets his iPad. Sophie asks if Caroline got a boob job since she looks less flat, and pats her boob. Caroline turns towards Max and her uniform is wet, Max says that she feels like the bag broke. Caroline says she can feel something moving in her bra. She puts her hand in and screams because she touched it, she yells for someone to put her hand in her bra and help her. Oleg appears asking why this had to happen now that he's off the market. Caroline's afraid that she'll crush the fish and kill it again. Max takes the lid off the tank and tells Caroline to get on the counter and drop it into the tank. Max helps her onto the counter and Caroline stands with one foot on either side of the tank. Oleg says forget the back rub that after this they're square. Max says to straddle the tank, pull out the front of her uniform, and let the fish drop down. Oleg says that now he owes them money, Caroline makes a disgusted face. Sophie offers the advice - 'squat over the tank like you're delivering a fish baby.' Caroline pulls out the front of her uniform, makes a disgusted noise, and it drops out into the tank. Earl asks if he really saw it. Han comes back through and tells Caroline to get down, that it's not that kind of party.
In the cupcake shop Caroline's asking if Max's really sending the bear back. Max tells her to relax, that T-Rux is over by the cash register. He's their first employee, anytime they get a bonehead customer he can say 'talk to the fist coz the face is pissed.' Max says she's just sending her mother something to say thank you for everything she gave her when she was a child, Caroline asks what she's sending and Max replies 'nothing.'
- The production code for this episode was #2J6903.
- Han refers to the fish as a 'Royal Blue Tang fish', which is slightly incorrect. They're called Regal Blue Tang fishes.
- This episode was live-filmed on August 26th, 2014 at 5pm.
International Air DatesEdit
- UK: February 12, 2015 on E4
- J.J. Totah - Elliott
- Lindsey Stoddart - Rita
- Daija Owens - Scarlett
- Benjamin Royer - Emmett
- George Dalton - Josh
- Grace Kaufman - Young Max V.O.
- Jackie Benoit - Elderly Woman